We all go through it from time to time. The all encompassing struggle.
We struggle with relationships. We struggle with money. We struggle with weight. We struggle with purpose. We struggle with ourselves.
I’m struggling right now.
I think… No, I know… The root of my struggle is professional. My job is zapping my creativity and causing that quality of life that I quest for to shrink to nothing more than a diminishing light at the end of an ever-lengthening tunnel. It’s breaking my heart.
I’m supposed to be working at home today. But instead I’m loafing, droning, thinking, lamenting, wishing and wondering.
When Montana called out to me, more loudly than the call of life in Chicago, I answered by coming back to the inter-mountain west and resumed a role at the organization I worked at years before. Life was pretty much okay until I took over as Executive Director a little more than a year ago. Now I know why the previous Director left. Burn-out. This is definitely a burn-out job. And that burn-out is searing so hot that I’m finding myself frozen in place. Kind of like the shell of a burnt log in the remnants of a camp fire. It appears to be solid, in place, until you touch it and it falls to ash in the bottom of the fire ring.
I’m struggling to see past the ring of fire. Squinting my eyes to see the possibility instead of the tragedy. Doing my best to “think outside the box.” I could use this as a spring-board to dive into a more radical plan of simplicity. Or I could remain stuck in the maze. On the treadmill.
I have next week off. A much-needed vacation. Perhaps instead of simply playing and ignoring, I need to do some serious thinking, plotting, planning and visualizing what I NEED my future to be. To orchestrate an escape from the sinking ship. To stop thinking like a middle-aged professional woman and get back to living like the free spirit. What on earth happened to that sprite?
Look around. Notice. Realize. Grow.
Speaking of growing…
My garden is going bonkers. In the week and a half I was down in Utah, the plants went insane. I have tons of tomatoes just begging to turn red. Zucchini on several plants. Flowers on my potato plants. A patch of the best tasting lettuce on the planet.
Maybe I’ll go out to the garden right now, and use those plants as a looking-glass. All they have to worry about in life is growing.
There’s something to learn from that…